What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
