I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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