Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
