I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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