The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
