Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
