Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
