I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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