I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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