oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
