Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
