If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
