Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
