Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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