My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
