That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
