There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
