like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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