You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
We are all done wearing pants today
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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