Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
