so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
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