and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
