I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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