Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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