The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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