So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
