I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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