it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
i think i just lost a toe
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
