the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
