Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
