my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
