Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
