I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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