Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
