He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
