No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
