Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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