Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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