Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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