I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Princesses don't give blow jobs
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
