Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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