I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
