I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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