and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
