I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
