i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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