Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
