I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
