he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
