how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
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